


i hope we never meet again

by Blackbeyond



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Cordelia Hart is my Favorite OC, Crack, Family Reunions, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, implied bathroom sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-25 07:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12030843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackbeyond/pseuds/Blackbeyond
Summary: Harry and Eggsy attend the Hart Family Reunion. They're the two top spies at Kingsman, they should be able to handle dealing with Harry's family for a few hours. It'll be a breeze!Spoiler: It is not, in fact, a breeze.aka the fic where Eggsy looks fine as hell, Harry needs more whiskey, and Cordelia Hart is having the time of her life.





	i hope we never meet again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ilokheimsins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilokheimsins/gifts).



> For the prompt: If Eggsy never has to go to one of Merlin's and/or Harry's family reunions ever again, it will still be too soon.

“Alright, so let’s go through this one more time,” Eggsy says, adjusting his tie in the bedroom mirror while Harry paces behind him.

“Rupert Hart.”

“Your liberal uncle who will not be surprised to see you with a younger man.”

“Cordelia Hart.”

“Your grandmother who I need to charm because she’s protective of you.”

“She never got the memo that I don’t need protection,” Harry murmurs under his breath. Eggsy smiles at his boyfriend.

“I think it’s kind of cute actually. Our great leader Arthur has his grandmother worried about him and wanting to protect him.”

Harry stops his pacing to shoot Eggsy a small glare, though there was no heat in his expression, just fondness. Eggsy’s smile grows and his turns to look away from the mirror to kiss the side of Harry’s mouth, a warmth filling his chest and Harry flushes red and turns away.

“Now, let’s continue. I need to know how to charm all your relatives.”

Harry sighs, brushing back his hair as he mentally prepares the list of everyone going to his family’s reunion tonight. He usually never attended having had to go on missions in the past, citing work conflicts to his family who were very much not in the know about his true occupation. But this year was the first that he was free, and had a partner to bring, and his grandmother had Facetimed him to tell him in no uncertain terms that he would be attending the annual Hart reunion or he would face her wrath.

He winces, thinking about the last time Cordelia Hart had punished him, fingers pressed hard into his ear as she lectured him on how he needed to spend more time with his family as they never saw him.

“Harry?”

The older man looks at his boyfriend, Eggsy’s brow furrowed into concern.

“You got a faraway look on your face again,” Eggsy states, “you alright?”

“Just trying to remember everyone we need to worry about tonight. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen everyone in one place.”

“If it all goes tits up, we can always leave,” the younger man reminds him, gently taking Harry’s hands in his. “But I think we can handle a family reunion.”

 

\--

 

Spoiler, they could not, in fact, handle a family reunion.

“Are you seeing this shite?” Eggsy hisses into his glasses as he breaks away from the ballroom the Hart family had rented for the night to go to the bathroom.

In his ear, Merlin laughs loudly, and Eggsy thinks he can make out Roxy’s soft chuckles in the background.

“I can see why you wanted us as backup tonight,” Roxy teases, “that Auntie is really trying to get into your pants.”

“All of the middle-aged relatives, to be honest,” Merlin adds, “shall we add that to your file Galahad? Master Honeypot Agent for individuals 30 and above?”

“Bite me,” Eggsy growls under his breath, turning on the bathroom faucet and splashing some water on his face to cool down. “We’ve only been here for an hour and I’m already done with this family.”

“You can see where Harry gets his sass from though,” Roxy remarks, “I especially liked his grandmother, even if you haven’t talked to her yet. A real beauty and savage to her kin.”

Eggsy agrees in his head, remembering as Cordelia Hart had greeted her children by roasting them in front of one another, watching in delight as Harry’s parents and relatives had been left dazed as she happily finished her remarks and left for the open bar.

“We can only hope Harry looks as good as her at that age,” Merlin agrees.

“I don’t think Harry will ever have a problem looking good,” Eggsy says offhandedly, drying off his face with a paper towel and leaning against the sink, buying time before he heads back out. “I should probably save him from his family though, keep him company at the very least.”

“Godspeed,” Roxy says solemnly.

“Oh, fuck off.”

 

\---

 

“Where is your partner, Harry dear?” Cordelia asks from where she’s seated, watching as her grandson shifts uncomfortably under her attention. She loves her grandson truly, but he was so much fun to mess with, and it wasn’t often he introduced his romantic partners to the family.

She remembered when he’d tried to pretend he was straight at the last reunion years many years ago, bringing along a woman for work who, while gorgeous, was quite obviously his beard.

Cordelia smirks as she brings her wine glass to her lips. Yes, that had been a fun time.

“Eggsy just left for the restroom, he’ll be back shortly,” Harry answers, hoping that Eggsy would be back soon. He had watched as his aunts ganged up on his boyfriend, pinching his cheeks and arse as they cooed over him.

Harry couldn’t blame them, Eggsy looked divine tonight, but the younger man had clearly been overwhelmed. Harry would have to make it up to him later tonight.

“I’m here!” Eggsy says brightly, appearing behind Harry and smoothly wrapping an arm around the older man’s waist. “Sorry to keep you waiting ma’am, I haven’t gotten the chance to introduce myself. Eggsy Unwin, at your service.”

“What kind of service?” Cordelia asks cheekily, and Eggsy just winks in response.

And just like that, Eggsy won over the head of the family.

“Come, sit next to me, Eggsy,” Cordelia laughs, “and you can tell me what my grandson has been up to recently.”

“Eggsy no,” Harry immediately speaks up, eyes wide as his boyfriend moves to sit down.

“Eggsy yes,” Cordelia mocks, “I’ll tell you stories about Harry as a child. I’ve got pictures on my phone.”

“Sorry love,” Eggsy sighs dramatically, pulling away from Harry, “this is the only chance I’m going to get.”

Harry lets out an involuntary whine. “I see where your loyalties lie.”

“He’s got good priorities,” Cordelia says in approval, bringing out her smartphone and opening the Photos app. “Always get a partner who’s ready to expose you. I’m just providing receipts.”

“How is this woman in her 80s?” Roxy says suddenly, and Eggsy almosts jumps in his seat from the sudden voice in his ear. “She probably poses as a stan account on Twitter, bless this woman.”

“Twitter account confirmed,” Merlin adds after a few moments, “She writes Buzzfeed articles and posts memes.”

“I love you,” Eggsy tells Cordelia after she confirms what Merlin’s told him. The woman snorts and pats Eggsy’s cheeks.

“Keep it in your pants, child.”

 

\--

 

“So, Eggsy, was it?” a woman asks, sliding up to Eggsy at the open bar. Cordelia had sent him to get drinks after a solid hour of embarrassing Harry stories, stating that she was going to need more alcohol if they were to continue talking about his grandson’s boneheaded adventures.

“Ah, yes,” Eggsy confirms, a little nervous as he watches the woman’s smile turn sharp.

“What’s such a fine young man doing with my uptight cousin?” she purrs, reaching out a hand and stroking Eggsy’s biceps through his suit jacket. “Can he even keep up with you?”

Eggsy stares, slack jawed, struggling to come up with a response as Roxy and Merlin cackle in his ears.

“Stop hitting on my boyfriend, Jubilee,” Harry orders, suddenly appearing behind Eggsy and pressing a hand to the small of the younger man’s back. “You can question my stamina when you can keep a husband.”

Jubilee glares at Harry, slinking off immediately while Harry turns his head to nuzzle Eggsy’s forehead.

“I can’t take my eyes off you for a single second,” Harry whispers, “everyone is flirting with you and you’re conspiring against me with my grandmother. I’m starting to think you’re doing this on purpose.”

“Conspiring with Cordelia, yes. Getting hit on by everyone including your mom? Not on purpose. I feel so dirty,” Eggsy shudders.

“You are a dirty boy,” Harry agrees, voice low and quiet so only Eggsy can hear him.

Well, Eggsy, Roxy, and Merlin.

“Oh, my god, please don’t have sex at the reunion,” Roxy speaks up, and Eggsy goes red. Harry leans back, startled by the sudden voice, and also turns red as he realizes that Eggsy is wearing his Kingsman issued glasses.

“How long have those been on?” Harry asks.

“The whole time,” Eggsy admits, “I’ve sort of been treating the reunion as a mission. And Roxy and Merlin are here for moral support.”

Harry blinks.

“I have been getting hit on a lot tonight,” Eggsy explains, “and I may have predicted that would happen when I wore this suit, so I called in reinforcements.”

Harry blinks again.

“You wore that suit on purpose?” he finally manages to get out. It had been driving him crazy, watching Eggsy move around the room in a suit that fit so well that he might as well have been wearing paint. The trousers were especially obscene, emphasizing the curve of his lover’s arse and taunting Harry with the fact that he couldn’t fully enjoy the sight until they got back home.

“I was maybe hoping for bathroom sex if the night got unbearable.”

(“And we’re out,” Roxy says suddenly, Merlin making a dying noise in the background before the connection turns off.)

Harry lets out another involuntary whine and Eggsy feels like the room is heating up, unable to look at anyone else as Harry grabs his hands.

“We can…we can still do that.”

 

\--

 

“That’s hot,” Rupert Hart remarks, tilting his head as another loud moan comes from the bathrooms, the sounds still going on half an hour after Harry and Eggsy had disappeared from the ballroom. His boyfriend nods in agreement, staring in the direction of the bathrooms with a mixture of horror and awe on his face.

“That’s my boy,” David Hart exclaims, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye and his wife, Margaret, takes another long sip of whiskey.

“I didn’t raise him like this,” she sighs. “I don’t need to hear this.”

 

_“O-oh! Oh, Harry!”_

 

“I feel like he’s trying to prove a point,” Jubilee says bitterly, taking another shot of vodka beside Cordelia.

“He’s definitely trying to prove a point,” the older woman agrees. “It’s been half an hour already and there’s no sign of them stopping.”

“I didn’t even know you could have sex for thirty minutes straight,” a random cousin mutters, staring at his empty glass.

“I’m aware,” his wife bites out as she finishes her third glass of wine.

 

_“Fuck, Eggsy, you’re so fucking filthy.”_

 

“They’re both fucking filthy,” one of Harry’s uncles grumbles, trying to eat his dinner in peace.

“Oh, hush dear. It wasn’t too long ago we were sneaking out of family reunions for a quickie,” his wife laughs, stealing a small red potato from his plate.

“I wish they were having a quickie,” their daughter mutters, aggressively stabbing her cake as she remembers how single she was.

 

\--

 

“Fuck,” Eggsy manages to get out, a solid hour later, only able to stand because Harry was helping hold him against the wall.

Harry just hums, head buried in Eggsy’s neck as he tries to get his breath back.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Eggsy says again, but not in regards to the great sex he just had.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks, turning his head to see Eggsy looking down at his phone with horror in his eyes.

Twitter was open and Eggsy had clicked on the newest post, a tweet that simply said: TFW ur grandson leaves the family reunion to have loud hour long sex with his boyfriend in the bathrooms.

It was accompanied by a selfie of a simultaneously amused and unimpressed Cordelia with various relatives in the background, a range of emotions present in their faces.

“I’m not going back out there, we’re emigrating, fuck this,” Eggsy groans, burying his face in his hands.

“It’s not that bad?” Harry reasons, “no one tried to stop us.”

Eggsy looks up at his boyfriend.

“We’re never coming back to a Hart family reunion.”

“Honestly, I’ve had relatives do way worse things than bathroom sex.”

“Like what?” Eggsy asks, doubt expressed clearly on his face.

Harry opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it immediately as he thinks for a little while longer.

“Actually, I take that back.” He admits.

Eggsy stares at his lover for a solid minute as he cleans himself up and puts his suit back on.

“We’re leaving and if I have to see any of your relatives again it will be too soon.”

“It’s not that bad?”

“Your grandmother just posted a short video of the sounds on Twitter.”

“Okay, yeah, let’s go.”


End file.
